Tag: #mentalhealth

Is breastfeeding right for you?

Pura ChenLeave a comment

It’s been such a popular topic among new moms, or I should say – breastfeeding seems like the only right method when it comes to feeding our precious babies. Because it’s all NATURAL. but just because it’s natural, does it mean it’s the best way for you and your family? Now that I have raised 2 babies and have tried different ways of feeding them, exclusive breastfeeding and partially exclusive pumping, I’m here to tell you – NO! breastfeeding is not the only way to raise a healthy child.

When I had my first baby, I was all for breastfeeding because I thought that’s what a mom is for – to continue providing the nutrients while she’s out of the womb. I had to drink a variety of high protein soup everyday for every meal (yes, even fish broth for breakfast) to get the milk down fast. It quickly proved to me that it was a bad decision – I developed mastitis and got a high fever of 40 degrees for 3 days. While I was experiencing worse than labor kind of pain, I had to breastfeed a fussy baby every 2 hours to get the clogged milk out. It became the worst time of my new motherhood. Because of this, I didn’t push too hard when my second baby didn’t latch on very well. And of course, I refused to have fish broth for breakfast as my mother in law proposed (that part didn’t go very well but that’s ok). I started to pump as my nipples got sore again, which I didn’t expect as a second time mom but that’s what is going to happen every time you have a new baby, sorry if this disappoints you… Now my baby boy is 4 months old and I’m still pumping. He is healthy and I am happy, I even got more time to spend with my daughter, a triple win for the entire family 😉

But just because I had painful experience it doesn’t mean that I suggest you not to breastfeed. No I didn’t say that. I’m going to share with you some of the pros and cons of breastfeeding, just so that you have a second opinion if you are also struggling with breastfeeding.

It’s fresh and nutritious

Who doesn’t want fresh milk? We parents want to provide the best to our children without thinking. Breastfeeding allows the baby to have first hand milk at the best temperature. It also provides nutrients tailored to your baby’s developmental needs. For example, colostrum – the first bit of liquid gold you produce after giving birth, contains the highest level of antibodies and will give your fresh newborn a good kickstart so that she doesn’t get sick when she’s suddenly out into the whole new world full of air pollution and coronavirus (Don’t get me wrong on this, you still need vaccine for it). If you want to give your baby the best but nothing, mommy milk it is.

It’s super convenient

To be honest, this one was the only reason I didn’t throw my baby girl out when she was sucking my burning cracked sore nipples. I love to have the convenience just to lift up my shirt anytime and anywhere to feed her. When travel was still a thing back in 2019, we fed like a champ – on a ferry boat, in the suspension park, in the aquarium, even in my sleep… Not having to pack any bottle is really a huge benefit for life on the go.

It saves you big money

Because it’s all natural, all you need is a mommy with not yet bitten nipples (kidding, it’s not that bad). Who doesn’t love to save big fortune when you already spent thousands even before the baby arrives. I’m still worried that my pump won’t last until I wean my baby and try to sell it. Because it’s expensive:( Not having to mention the investment you have to make to store the milk. Same with formula if you are not pumping. It’s hard to resist from getting time saving and fancy products like formula maker. So if you have a tight budget, breastfeeding is the most economic way to go.

Now I’ve talked about 3 obvious benefits of breastfeeding, here it comes the cons of it.

It’s PAIINFUL

This is something that has been under looked in the postpartum topic. I have all my friends including myself complaining that the process of learning breastfeeding is much more painful than giving birth! Yes, you have to learn it! It doesn’t come naturally! I was the lucky one that I only got sore nipples (mastitis was something else). Pinky milk is more likely to happen if you are unlucky. Yes, your nipple will bleed. Don’t be too hard on yourself is what I tell my mommy friends. You don’t have to cut your nipples to become a great mom. I said what I said.

You are being hooked up 24/7

Being a breastfeeding mom basically means that you have to sit down and just be a milk bottle every 2 hours. even worse, you have to act like a pacifier whenever your baby needs comfort, like when she gets woke up by the noise of your husband opening the bedroom door when you just have put her down. I remember the time when my daughter was cluster feeding and took 2-3 hrs to fall asleep every night. Not to mention that she also woke every 30 mins to nurse in order to get back to sleep, and each nursing session took 30 mins. This all happened while my husband was sleeping soundly… It’s all about balance – he can’t breastfeed so I had to do it, just like I couldn’t sleep so he had to… right? No, THATS NOT RIGHT.

You get NO time for your family

This is why I chose to bottle feed my younger baby – I want to spend time with my daughter, who was used to being the only baby in the family. I’ve heard so many stories about the jealousy feeling the older kids would have towards new babies. Not only it’s too big of a feeling for such small bodies, it also leaves us mommy heart broken. And don’t forget your poor husband, who also wants attention and love of yours.

There are many other reasons why I didn’t breastfeed for the second time, like constant leaking milk and the engorgement pain due to frequent feeding. No matter which method you choose to feed your baby, there is no right or wrong. Just remember to be kind to yourself, like you would do with others.

Postpartum depression is real! 7 tips on how to survive the first year of motherhood

Pura Chen1 Comment

When I was in prenatal class, I remember how many times the instructor let us watch different videos about how people struggled with postpartum depression. I didn’t pay too much attention as I thought an outgoing person like me should have no problem managing the stress. After all, your long pregnancy has finally come to an happy end, you finally get to meet your true love of life and you are suppose to live in a happier life.

After becoming a mom, I slowly learned that life doesn’t work that way. Actually, it likes to hit you with a brick in your head when you think you’ve got everything. I had a pretty successful birth with my daughter. she slept through the first night in hospital (even though I didn’t due to the over excitement). I had my parents in law here to help me for the first 3 months. Looks like I couldn’t be bothered by anything but to just enjoy my wonderful new motherhood.

BANG! How come nobody ever told me that breastfeeding could be worse than the baby delivery?? Yes I read about sour nipples but every source is telling me that if you get it that means your baby is not latching on properly. THAT IS NOT TRUE! Not long after I accepted the fact that my break in time maybe longer, I got mastitis. I have never had a high fever of 40 degrees for 3 days in a row in my memory. With the extreme pain that came from the 2 HUGE rocks on my chest and the feeling that they are going to explode anytime, along with the fear that I may lose them and become an incomplete woman, I burst to cry, like it’s the end of the world.

My world didn’t end that easily, not long after the mastitis has healed, I got tendinitis, a wrist injury as a result of improper posture from breastfeeding. It wasn’t that painful after all I’ve been through. But what’s worse was that it never seemed to recover after several months of endless trips to the therapist because I couldn’t avoid heavy lifting – my own baby. The mixture of a painful and hopeless feeling has dominated the first half year of my new life of motherhood until I couldn’t bear it anymore and booked a getaway trip with my baby and my mom.

There were many factors that have contributed to my baby blue. Suffering from multiple diseases that I had never anticipated was just one of them. Being ‘locked down’ and not able to do ANYTHING for myself was another major factor. Even during the day when the baby was napping, I had to try to catch up the sleep that I lost at night. And I couldn’t because I constantly had the fear that she’s going to wake up anytime again, which later has developed into anxiety. I didn’t realize losing some sleep was that bad until I started to yell at everyone around me, my mom and my hubby, both of whom love and wanted to help me the most. I was losing myself. I knew at that time if I didn’t make any action, I would fall into the big black hole – postpartum depression, and I would lose everything.

Now I’m a healthy and happy mom with baby #2 on the way. I can’t be more grateful for the choices I’ve made for myself when I needed them the most. Not every mom will be go through where I have been, but my tips will for sure help you to fight the evil postpartum hormone!

Attend prenatal classes with your spouse

Find a local organization that offers free prenatal classes. Or look one up online if it’s not available during the pandemic. The key here is to bring your support person with you. Because this may be the only chance that they have to sit down and listen to what you are going to go through during the upcoming battle. I’m sure you as an expecting mom has already done tons of researches and watched videos on ‘things I wish I knew before having a baby’. But it is crucial to have you and your spouse both on the same page when it comes to the real battle. They need to learn things that could happen in the labor room and how they can help. They need to understand that it is perfectly normal when you throw postpartum trauma to them and not to get personal. They need to listen to what other parents feel after the major life changing event. It is to prepare yourself a good ally when you are about to lose the game.

Take the Help

No matter it’s your own parents or your parents in law, say YES to the help. You may not agree with the way they warm up the milk. They may dress your baby too much during the night. But they can make sure you don’t starve yourself when the last thing you wish to do is cooking. You never know when you have to make an emergency trip to the hospital and you can’t take the baby with you. If you are lucky enough to have someone willing to help during this most dramatic time of your life, don’t hesitate!

Exercise

I can’t address enough how important this one is! MAKE TIME TO DO YOUR EXERCISE! Even if it’s just 20 mins a day. Not only it will help you to get back to shape, but it is crucial to fight those bad hormones that are produced during the postpartum period. You don’t have to run a marathon or go to the gym when it’s not even possible during the pandemic. All you need is a yoga mat and a 20 mins stretch and breath session, or some squats and push ups that pump up your heart rate. If those are too much for you, just a 20 mins stroller walk will do it too. Trust me, that’s how I survived during my roller coaster period where everyone thinks I was a bomb that could explode anytime.

Talk to your partner

A study has shown that having a baby is one of the top reasons that people get divorced. How ironic it is that your loving relationship come to an end just when your fruit of love started to grow. I can’t remember how many times I’ve cried for nothing. Thankfully to the prenatal class, my husband didn’t get freaked out or annoyed by seeing this on a daily basis. Most of the time, he didn’t know what was going on and just telling me that it is going to be OK over and over again. Motherhood is freaking hard! All we need is just reassurance. Crying it out is actually a good sign that you are expressing your feeling rather than suppressing it. Most of the chances are that your partner is also experiencing something challenging but they are better at hiding it back. Letting it all out and have a face to face talk gives both of you a chance to reconnect and recharge. But try your best not to blame the other one for things they didn’t do right. After all, you are in this together. Focus on how you can improve to make life easier and believe this all shall pass.

Be kind to yourself

Accept things that don’t go as planned. Forget what you have seen on social media before you have the baby. They are poisonous to your mind. I remember seeing numerous posts on Pinterest on how people got their abs back within 6 weeks postpartum. I’m not saying it’s impossible or fake. But that shouldn’t be any real life mom’s expectation! Yes they gave me hope and confidence during my pregnancy while having a mommy belly for life was one of my top concern. But the unrealistic expectation fired back when 2 months has passed by and I was still sitting with a crouched back and stuck out belly while struggling with how to properly latch on a baby so she doesn’t bite off my nipple. Every mom is different. Every moment of motherhood is unique and precious. We should learn to embrace whatever comes into our life and give ourselves the chance to accept it. Living in an expectation of other people’s life will only kill your own mind. Be kind to it.

Seek for professional help

The most desperate period of my first year postpartum was when my daughter was 7 months and she would wake up every 30 mins at night to nurse. And every nursing session took about 30 mins… I lived like that for 2 months with the hope that this sleep regression would go away sometime soon. Until it got worse and she sometimes woke up every 5 mins! The last string broke in my head when she even needed me to nurse and hold her for her entire 2 naps during the day. That’s the moment I searched the internet and found out a website about baby sleep training which offers programs. It was a black Friday and I decided to buy myself something I truly needed. one week later she started to sleep through the night for 12 hours. 2 months later, she was able to fall asleep happily on her own. Every day, I couldn’t be grateful enough for the choice I’ve made for myself.

There are always things that are beyond your own capability. Seeking out for help may save you from pulling all your hair out. No matter it’s hiring a sleep coach or a baby sitter. They are not cheap, but you definitely deserve it.

Talk to your doctor

You don’t have to wait until everyone around you calls you crazy. It’s more likely that your doctor will ask you how exactly you are feeling during regular check ups. Baby blue happens to every 4 out of 5 new moms. They will normally go away after couple weeks postpartum. But if they don’t and being left untreated, it will slowly eat you away and develop into postpartum depression, which is a much more complicated condition. My ‘baby blue’ lasted almost a year, on and off. It was blurry to me whether it’s a depression because half of the time I was just as happy as a kid. Yet I made a trip to my family doctor and talked to her about my concern. She let me spitted it all out and told me that I’ve done the right thing to be proactive about my own mental health. Then she gave me some resources to reach out to if I needed further assistance. After reading through half of the book about cognitive behavior therapy that she suggested, I realized that I didn’t really have the depression. It’s more of an overthinking and lack of sleep that’s being bothering me. My symptoms went away when my daughter was done sleep training. I also became a happy and pregnant mommy again.

There is absolutely nothing embarrassing to admit that you are feeling unwell, physically or mentally. There are many reliable resources out there that are willing to help you. Take good care of yourself like you would do with your baby. Be mindful to your precious mind. Your baby is counting on it.

Motherhood is HARD. Learning how to take care of your baby isn’t all about it. It’s more about putting yourself first before others. This is not selfish. It’s called being responsible, to you and to everyone around you. Imagine how would you take care of someone else if you became sick, mentally or physically? Stay active, be kind and proactive is what will take you to survive the first year of motherhood. That’s also how we transform from girls to mamas, who are strong and unbeatable.

How to stay fit with a baby during COVID-19

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I believe I’m not the only one who doesn’t care if gym is closed or not during a pandemic. Having a baby basically sets you in quarantine mode automatically in many ways. You don’t have the freedom anymore like you did before, which sounds pretty sad, but not until you find new ways to live the new life in such a new world we all in right now. Staying fit not only keeps you looking sharp, though it’s not a top priority for many as we are not meeting anyone, it also boosts your mental health as many of us are struggling with it since the world has changed.

I’m going to share some of the tips that i think could be helpful to you if finding time is also a challenge when you are clued to a baby all day long.

Stroller Jogging

This is the simplest exercise you can do with your baby, just in your neighborhood. As long as you have a regular stroller and a pair of running shoes, you are good to go. Depends on your baby’s age, you can go either when they are napping or when they are ready to go for a ride. But keep in mind that it’s best to do this at the same time everyday so you are embedding it into your daily habit. I personally don’t like any type of running, so making it a habit is the only way to beat my all kinds of excuses. Another benefit you will get or I should say the motivation you have is the fresh air that you can finally breath outside. Who doesn’t want to go outside during a lockdown?

Home Exercise

If you have a toddler, I’m sure you will get enough cardio just by chasing after them. But if your baby isn’t quite moving around yet, you will need to find some exercise that you can do together to spend the boring times. You don’t have to do anything fancy like a mommy and baby yoga. I can’t imagine how you can relax while you have a little squirmy creature on your body. Just keep it simple and do things like squats and push ups. I remember once I did 100 push ups on top of my baby because it made her giggle and that has motivated me to do more. Without her, 10 would be my best record 🙂 Find activities that make your baby laugh. You will enjoy your session and have results at the same time. Even better than going to the gym!

Yoga

Of course not the mommy and baby yoga because you want to relax. Find times where your baby is napping or sleeping in the evening. Even just a 20 minutes of stretch and breathing would give your mind and body a deep cleanse. I love the app Down Dog that has a real instructor guiding you through the whole practice with very soothing tones. It’s great for all levels. You can select your level, length of practice and body part that you want to focus on during any session. Even if your selection is the same every time, you will get different sets of practice so you never get the same class twice. Another feature I love about Down Dog is that it supports Chromecast so you don’t have to locate your phone every time you are trying to balance standing or in a upside down position.

Running

If you can leave your baby with your family members for just 30 mins, give yourself a break, put on your music and running shoes, go outside and run the hell out of it. Yes you may have a hard time breathing. But it will make you feel so damn good. Sweating will help to release a hormone that reduce your stress level. You will also feel energized because of the endorphins released from your racing heart rate.

Taking care of a baby is a very challenging job. It requires you to have fully charged mind and body everyday while for many parents they couldn’t get enough sleep. Exercise not only keeps you fit and lose some weight from the extra cookies you are eating while in quarantine, it also helps to maintain a healthy lifestyle and most importantly boosts your mental health.

What are your ways to keep your exercise routine during the lockdown? Please share in the comments below as I’m interested to know!

Should You Sleep Train Your Baby?

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When I first heard of the sleep training method before I had my baby, I thought I would definitely nail it because I was so good at crate training my dogs. Isn’t it just to ignore their cries until they calm down themselves? I have done that and I totally have the heart for it! One year later, it just turned out that I was too naive.

Sleep training has always been a debatable topic since decades ago. You may already have your own thought on this before you have a baby. But let me tell you something – motherhood is a lesson that only your child can teach you. Your baby gets to decide whether he/she needs to be sleep trained. You may wonder how? Since you won’t be able to get a clue from their babbling sound, here are some guidelines that you can follow to help you to make the decision based on my own fresh and successful experience.

1. Do you have the heart for it?

When my daughter was 3 months old, I decided to give the sleep training a try because that’s the recommended age to start it. It’s even more for my own sanity because she needed to be nursed to sleep and I wanted to break that habit. We tried the interval method, also known as the Ferber method where you let your baby cry for the first 5 mins before going to check on her. You are not allowed to pick her up but just gently pat on her while she’s hysterically crying and asking for your help. Then extend the time before going to her until she falls asleep. It still twists my heart just by thinking about how helpless she looked while we ignored her cry. We didn’t get to pass the first 5 mins because she was too upset that she puked all over her face. According to the Ferber method, we were supposed to clean it up and continue to let her cry. That’s when I realized that sleep training was not for us and I could just live with the life of being my baby’s pacifier. She’s just a baby, after all. It won’t be forever, I told myself.

Researches have shown that the ‘cry it out’ method is 100% safe and it will not affect the relationship between you and your baby. It’s also the most intense but effective way of sleep training if you keep the consistency. But you know yourself and your baby the best, if at any point you think it’s wrong or it’s going against your own belief, you don’t have to do it. Just follow your baby’s lead, it’s never wrong.

2. Is your baby STTN?

Sleeping through the night has many definitions depends on the age of your child. You wouldn’t expect a newborn to sleep from 10-6 without making any fuss because babies this young just biologically needs to eat almost every hour. For some moms, however, they claim that their newborns are STTN without waking up. HOW COULD THAT BE? Thankfully these moms are not starving their babies but just been super optimistic. They quickly adapt to their babies’ internal clock by co-sleeping with them. Whenever the babies need to nurse, they just latch them on and keep on sleeping! If you are a mom who can still live your best life even during the hardest time of a woman, you rock!

But what if you have passed those sweet and cute first few months newborn period where you can just spoil your baby like no other? You gave them whatever and whenever they asked and now they get used to this free buffet that opens 24/7. My daughter was almost sleeping through the night when she’s 3 months based on the deifinition of STTN for her age, where she could sleep 5-6 hrs straight without waking up. Just when I thought it was going to get longer and I would soon get my 8 hrs beauty sleep back, the nightmare began. But that’s something I’ll talk later. My point is, if your baby is sleeping long stretches (typically over 3 – 4 hrs) at night based on their age, they don’t need sleep training, yet.

3. Is your baby going through a sleep regression?

I blamed the sleep regression when my daughter was 5 months, where she started to wake up every 2-3 hrs during the night. If you google it, there are certain periods where a baby could go through sleep regression during the first year. And you will see experts explaining 4, 6, 8-12 months sleep regressions, where each regression could last 2 to 6 weeks long. Well, why don’t they just us that babies will go through a sleep regression for the entire first year and we mamas don’t deserve any sleep at all??

Identify if your baby is really going through a sleep regression is very important, as you don’t want to sleep train your baby while she’s suffering from the pain. Teething and developmental milestones like starting to crawl are the most common causes of sleep regressions. Teething is a really tricky one, as those teeny tiny baby teeth are either on their way out under the gum or they are above the gum and still growing. Both sounds really hurt. You really can’t tell if it’s bothering your baby or they are just genuinely hungry. At least for me, it’s a really good excuse of my baby explaining why she woke up so often.

4. Are you burnt out?

I’m not talking about a normal wear and tear from the new life of having a baby. I’m talking about having to wake up every 5 mins at night and spend 30 mins to nurse baby back to sleep and being used as a pacifier for her entire nap during the day kind of burnt out. This has lasted almost 2 months. So it must not be sleep regression. I couldn’t think straight. I constantly lost my mind over very tiny things. I said things that hurt my husband. I banged myself to the wall while holding a crying baby who just can’t fall asleep after 1 hour of nursing. I went crazy. Yet my family were all telling me that she’s just hungry. This will get better. Just hang in there…

If any of those sounds familiar, then you have found your answer – you need to sleep train your baby.

It was a decision that was led by my baby. We both need to sleep! She had developed a very strong sleep association and only god knows what was keeping her waking up so often that almost killed me. Maybe because of that, everything went relatively smooth with the sleep training. Yes there were lots of crying and heartbreaking. But only one week after a very consistent sleep training, she was able to sleep 12 hours straight! At that time she was only 9 months.

Right now, everyday I can’t be more thankful that I made the decision for myself and my family. Not only that we both get to rest peacefully every night, I can finally enjoy our dinner time and the rest of the evening with my husband! We also end up having the happiest baby on earth, because who wouldn’t be if she gets enough of her beauty sleep?

Sleep training your baby is a very hard progress to go through for every parent. Whether to do it or not, totally depends on how you can cope with your current situation. If your baby wakes up 10 times a night and you are still a happy mom, then you don’t need to consider it. Those moms wouldn’t even look at this post. But if you are like me who was barely surviving everyday and your baby is physically ready for it, sleep training is the only way out and you will appreciate it later.

How are you coping with your motherhood so far? Do you have any concern regarding sleep training? Leave a comment below and we can discuss! Having someone who was also sleep training her baby supporting me was the top reason I succeeded. You are not alone. Good luck mamas!

Why do I start blogging? Hint: It’s not for extra $$$

Pura Chen4 Comments

Just 3 days ago, I would never see myself as a blogger at any point of my life. I thought about being an interior designer, a stay home mom, a restaurant owner or even a farmer with a ranch full of Great Danes if I get a chance to walk away from my boring office job. So what happened in my mind? I mean, I’m a girl who changes mind quicker than my baby changes diapers, with my help. You may ask, how would you know you will not change this mind with a snap of finger? Well, this time I’m going to write it all down so when I’m about to change it again, it will remind me.

1. To Kill Time during Quarantine in a Healthy Way

Yes. This should be the top reason that I’m actually sitting here and typing after a long day of already sitting and typing in front of a computer. But how is it healthy that you just make yourself sitting all day long? Have you heard of Einstein’s relativity theory? It all goes down to what you are comparing to. Maybe you will have a better clue if also jump onto your couch after dinner passively browsing through social media reading through useless celebrity news pop up by google suggestions. When you finally realize you should move your butt because it’s tinkling, you have already wasted another night.

2. To Think Less and Do More

Because I always had a million reasons to change my every mind. I want to prove myself that I can stick to one! To be honest, I almost changed this one again.

I will give up very soon.

I’m not good at this.

I will not have any viewer.

I don’t know what to write about.

I can’t come up with a perfect domain name.

I don’t want to spend money on it

…

I could go on, if I’m not sick of these already. If you don’t try it, how would you know that you will not be successful? How would you learn that if you are good at it or not? I actually spent 2 days thinking what domain name I should use so that it sounds cool and meaningful. I still haven’t come up with one the time I wrote this post. But I realized something more important. YOU JUST HAVE TO START IT. Anything else is just a waste of time. The dots will connect itself once you have the dots plotted.

3. To build Memories for Life

Maybe I have reached the age old enough to think about how my whole life would look like. I bought a lot of pretty looking diary books. But they all ended up becoming memo books. When I had the idea of writing a blog and owning a website, it excited me because finally I can have a pretty diary that I will be proud to share with my kids.

4. To Express My Thoughts

I find myself constantly having too much feelings and thoughts. If you are like me, when you need to sit down to study but your mind just constantly drifting away with a million ways to paint your nail, you are not along. No we don’t suck at studying, we just have too many brilliant ideas that needs to be sorted out.

5. To Share My Experiences

nowadays we have too many social media platforms to share our thoughts with friends and families. But have you ever wanted to post something about your cute little baby the 1001 times but worried that your childless best friends will be annoyed? Having a blog with only audiences down for your niche will solve this problem. They care about your opinions about how you tackle your LO’s sleep. You are sharing it because you know there are people out there with similar situation who might be able to inspire you too.

6. To Build Confidence

I grew up in a culture where I was not allowed to have free creative thoughts. Being an obedient kid and only doing what other kids were doing was the only way to make me loved, and also have my confidence killed. Learning to share my ideas and knowing that there might be people inspired from reading them will simply make me happy. no matter what kind of thoughts you have, it’s yours, so own it, confidently.

7. It Doesn’t Cost Much

Unless you have a business to promote that you will probably have to spend thousands of dollars per month to maintain multiple blogs which will generate millions of dollars per year, you do not need much to start a good looking blog. Comparing to buying a property to raise a ranch full of great danes, this one is a much more cost effective investment. They both give back happiness.


How about you? Have you also thought of starting a blog for yourself? Or do you already own one? If so, what was your original reason to start it?